Nobody likes lies or deceit. Unfortunately, trying to avoid them is like trying to avoid the common cold. People lie to us everyday regardless of intentions. I mean think about it. Your parents let you believe in Santa Claus all those years. Had you laying in bed anxious. You were probably up at some obscure hour trying to catch a glimpse of some damn reindeer, or trying to figure out how Santa gets into apartment buildings. **Looks around** OK, maybe it was just me. Moving along…
There are lies we tell ourselves and the people we care about that don’t leave us with fond memories. Sometimes we don’t even know that we’re deceiving ourselves, family or friends. We think we have their best interest in mind, we’re selfish and/or we ignore what our gut is telling us in favor of the rosy picture our mind has painted over reality. Today I’d like to share with you five lies we commonly tell in relationships.
I’m Ready for a Relationship aka The Lie of Prematurity
Just because you’re ready for companionship doesn’t mean you’re ready to be in a committed relationship. Sometimes we get tired of a half-cold bed or worn down by not having someone to give us the warm and fuzzies. We see other people in happy relationships and want something similar for ourselves.
But sometimes, we prematurely enter relationships and set ourselves up for failure. Deep down we know we may have unresolved issues or that we’ll be in a different place in six months, but we go into situations anyway just to have someone instead of the right one. Take the time to figure out who you are, what your values are and what you want from life. Then find someone that will help you get there. No rush.
I’m Fine aka The Lie of “No I’m Not”
There are so many permutations of this one that it could be an article in itself. Let me give you a few quick examples:
- “I’m fine” when he asks what’s wrong. I’m sure you know this well.
- “I’m fine with this” when you verbally or non-verbally agree to a friends with benefits or booty buddy arrangement…then end up entangled in feelings that he has no interest in freeing you from.
- “I’m fine” when you’re genuinely bothered by something but don’t want to nag, smother or be emotional.
More than anything else, “I’m fine” is a lie to yourself that can have detrimental consequences over time. You end up causing yourself pain, frustration and, in some cases, heartache. Situations that could’ve been resolved long ago become explosive meltdowns because you brushed them off or went through with somethings you really weren’t comfortable with. It’s better to discuss sore spots before they fester. Say “I’m fine” less and express yourself more.
I Love You aka The Lie of Security
It takes some people many years to distinguish between love, lust and fear of being alone (or losing contentment). It isn’t a lie to say I love you if you don’t know any better and think that it’s love. But when you say it knowing that your feelings don’t match the words, you are telling a major fib.
Looking back, I’ve told a couple women I loved them in response to them saying it to me, but I didn’t mean it. I thought I loved them, but I really loved the convenience of the situation. As I’ve learned the hard way, this is one of the most egregious lies you can tell. It’s better to hurt them in the moment than lead them down a trail of confusion because your actions don’t match your words.
We Can Still Be Friends aka The Lie of Selfishness
I did a non-scientific survey on Twitter and found that most women like to maintain friendships after their relationships unless they ended on tumultuous terms. The number of men that want to maintain friendships after relationships was lower. And to make it worse, the reason most men wanted to maintain the friendship was to have another shot at a relationship or the warmth within down the road.
When you meet someone and develop romantic interest from the jump, that’s typically all you will ever be. When you suggest friendship at the end of a relationship, it’s a subtle lie that can carry the consequence of hope for the other person. Being able to tell people “we’re still friends” is great. But if you’re not gonna talk to each other the way you talk to your other friends, then it’s a lie. Agree to be cordial, wish them the best and keep it moving. Don’t degrade the meaning of friendship just to make yourself feel better.
As you go into the new year, make sure you’re doing your best to not lie to those you care about. And most importantly, make sure you’re not lying to yourself. Change begins with accepting the truth.
Things Will Get Better aka The Lie of Faux Optimism
I really don’t intend to be a pessimistic bastard, but there’s a reason that optimism is a blood relative of naivete. Ever been in a declining relationship and kept telling yourself it would get better only to watch and endure it getting worse? We’d save ourselves and those we’re with a lot of heartache and pain if we called it quits when our intuition was telling us that it’s game-set-match.
How do you know it’s a wrap? When the significant other contacting or talking to you causes no feelings, or becomes a source of agitation rather than comfort. When you’d rather be with anybody or anywhere else other than with that person, but continue to tell yourself things will get better. You are lying to yourself. Have a conversation, press reset and get on with your life. This leads me to my last point…